[Pisanthrophobia]

No matter how perfect I planned my life to be, there will always be some of "the" unplanned that will happen. No matter how fast I run, I am unable to run away from "the" unplanned. To be able to face all these unplanned, I have to first face myself, my past. This time, this unplanned that came back weather to change my life into a better one or to completely destroyed me once again, I'm emotionally and mentally ready for it, but there is something that stops me to face this unplanned something which I can't describe.

Is not that I'm not ready in anyway, is just to be able to conquer this unplanned, to be able to win this event I have to risk one thing which is important to me, which i held dearly to me. And that is one thing I'm not ready to do. To lose someone or something that means everything in my life is simply one thing I'm not ready to do so. And I doubt that I will never be ready.

But I can't just stop here, I can't stop again just because yet another unplanned happen, because I know that one day one of these unplanned will come back and I'm ready for it always. But not "This" unplanned. But still I did not stop, instead of stopping I keep making tracks, road to still led me to my goals. But I'm not getting anywhere as no matter how many road I drew or how many tracks I build.

It keep bringing me back to "this" unplanned. But I still keep running away from it, because I just can't risk or lose anything that is important to my life. 

I rather lose myself.

I will see how long I can run away from it with all these route, the longer I can run away, who knows that one day I'm ready to risk one part of my life to "end" this unplanned. But even if I do so, what about the next unplanned?

Who and what is this "unplanned' I mention in this so called short story?

Well dear readers, This "Unplanned" I mention here, it can be anything, anything or anyone that stops you in life even for a mere second. It can be an event, a problem, someone, or maybe more than a person. Those things that stop you from moving forward in your life.

That is the "Unplanned".

<End>

Why is it so hard to make a decision and why is it that every decision, sacrifice always tagged along with it. It's so hard to make a decision because I don't want to lose or risk anything thing but yet I can never run away from that. No matter how fast I can run, even if I'm the fastest man alive but still I can never run away from my past, I can never run away from any problems nor can I run away from making any decision. Those thing will always catch up to me and no matter where I run or hide it will always find me.

There are a hell whole lot of problems, where can be solve because in every problems there will always be more than one way to solve it, But as I said just now, every decision leads to sacrificing something and I don't want to lose anything. I'm done with losing people who are important to me, I'm done losing things which values most to me. But I'm just a mere human with no power to do change or do anything. 

All I ever did was carrying the whole world or even the universe over my shoulder and I really hope that someone will carry it with me but I don't want anyone to get hurt. So why should I make a decision where someone will get hurt, and I will lose someone, I can just choose not to make any decision and just hurt myself instead. But maybe Choosing not to tell anything, to say anything, to decide anything is the best way because keeping it to myself is what I do best. Being selfish is what I do best and being selfish in this way might be the only way to prevent myself from losing more people and hurting more people who holds an important and special place in me. 

What if love just smack right in your face in a different way? Leaving you breathless, clueless and yet confusing you once again, I once know how it felt like loving someone, but what is this that left me nowhere,

I was once again back on track to my goals, to the point I marked on my map, it took me a while to get back on track after a pieces of  the map, of the road gone missing. But nothing can stop a planner, nothing can stop me once I set a goal. Because that goal is not just for the best of me, but for us and you just left. You just don't know how long I've been standing there on the road not moving an inch right after you left me. But I remember the one and only reason why I set that goal.

Is not just because of me, But because of you. That is what kept me moving until now and I would say even if one day I reach that destination with or without you, I will never stop. I will always keep moving forward, planning ahead of time into the future. But not to prove to you that you lost someone. But to prove to me that I am someone, that I matters, that I can make a differences.

And the sooner I knew, I was back on track. A missing pieces of a map ain't gonna stop me, even if the whole map is gone. My goal is not and I can always draw a whole map to my goals and maybe even in a shorter route. We grow and we never stop learning, we never really felt it but we are evolving each and every second and until the evolution is complete, we will never know.

But evolving also means leaving things behind, and I felt like I left something important behind while moving on, while evolving. I left a part of humanity, a part of my emotions, From time to time I compare to the old and un-evolved me. It feels like I can control my feelings better as what I meant is I don't cry that easily anymore, and even if I do I can stop right away. I tend to says things I don't meant to say where I know it will hurt someone but I said it anyway. 

An animal? Am I evolving? Or am I not. I felt like my heart it turning cold ever since an event happen. And I don't think I have to tell you again what "event".But let's skip to the main point of all these useless information and store it back into the files.

My hands is shivering again, my body is trembling, this feeling, it felt so familiar yet i just can't remember what it means, what it is. It's making my molecular cell moving at a very fast speed and yet it's not killing me;yet. Alright maybe I'm exaggerating but you know what I mean.

And yet, these Unplanned events, these unplanned feelings is it coming back to destroy me? Or to create and give me an entirely new life?

<To Be Continued>

Part of me

This Story begins with a guy; Me. 

In my life, I have always been planning what to do and where to go but still, I don’t know exactly where I’m headed. I try my best to lay out a map, to plan, to attempt to unfold my life month by month and smooth out all the wrinkles. But in the end, I’m still left confused. The future will turn and twist and curve when I least expect it. I’ll end up with a different plan, a different road to get to where I was headed. 

But that’s just how life is. And it’s how love is. We can’t plan either of those things, even though we try to convince ourselves we can. For me this is especially tough. I’m a planner. I like knowing where and when, and even the why sometimes. I like having a destination, even if it’s somewhere off in the faraway future. I like imagining where I’ll one day be, setting a point on a map or a goal in my head and aiming for that, all the while knowing it won’t be a straight path, yet still believing anyways. 

But life throws me off balance sometimes. And so does love. Sometimes love will hit me out of nowhere, leaving my mind spinning and reeling. Leaving me with confusing feelings that shake everything I’ve believed in, everything I’ve tried to sketch out in front of me.

Love will stop me in my tracks, or completely speed my entire body up. It will make me feel dizzy and strange, and it will throw me off balance, but sometimes in the best ways. 

That’s the thing about love, though: it’s the one thing you can’t plan. It’s the one thing you can’t pinpoint on a map, can’t draw lines to, can’t connect to something tangible or even make sense of it sometimes. It comes when it wants, either creeping up slowly or smacking you right in the face. 

The world is filled with these unknowns, these chances we take for the things and people we care about. I’m acknowledging that love is something I cannot control, that loving someone else could completely destroy me, could create an entirely new life that I didn’t ever plan for—but that’s okay. 

Life is too short to always know where you’re headed, too short to be afraid to fall, too short to be selfish with your heart. Because not planning can be exciting and fun. Because love is one of those things you just jump into fearlessly, and without a guidebook or map. Because sometimes you don’t need a guidebook or map. You just need your heart, your brain, and the faith in something bigger than yourself. 

But.........

<To Be Continued>

Dream Catcher

Do you know how it feels,

To hold a key to a treasure,

But not being able to open it,

Not because you cant,

Nor because it's the wrong key.

But because you saw someone else,

Who needs that treasure more than you do,

And you just can't do anything about it,

Looking at them opening the treasure full of golden goods.

You felt happy as you see their smile,

But deep inside the other you,

Crave and with an envy look in your eye,

Hoping that you were the person opening and claiming the goods.

Till one day the body cannot go on,

Till the mind can't take it anymore,

The day where I'm once again chained up,

Risking my own freedom just to gain someone's trust back.

My world was spinning in the way I want it to be,

But seems like nothing last long,

As I'm Just living on a Globe Stand,

Where other people are the one controlling the way my world spins.

I never really understand,

Why is my life so different from others,

They called it Unique,

But I Called this Unlucky. 

It is easy to love someone at their best. 

It is easy to love something that’s shiny. 

It is easy to give your best when you receive the same amount of efforts from the other parties. 

It is easy to stay beside someone with all the giggles and the fun. 

It is easy to stay on the phone for hours with a person who watches movies with you, 

and talk about anything, everyday, 

until it’s become some kind of a ritual that you both do every night until one of you has fallen asleep. 

It is easy to love someone with a perfect smile, 

It is so easy to fall in love with nose kisses and beard rash and that short little giggle that’s used only for you, 

It’s so easy to fall in love with secret moments between the two of you, 

and to get so wrapped up in the world they share with you. 

But a relationship is not always the rainbows and fireworks. 

We’re just humans. 

We’re not designed to be perfectly in a good mood and on our best behavior 24/7.

It is never about finding a perfect person to love. 

Because it is easy to fall in love with someone who puts up their best appearance like a wall, 

and behaves their best so they impress you. 

It is indeed easy to love them when it’s all about the laughs and the good times.

It is not about finding the prettiest, the strongest, the richest, nor the smartest — not even the most romantic ones who will throw a big gesture like what we’ve seen in all those Hollywood movies that thrive on grand gestures. 

True love takes time to develop, several difficult times to see if the person we love stands by us, and a lot of understanding and respect. Attraction and infatuation are not love, no matter how much fairy dust is sprinkled on it to make you believe otherwise.